Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

When I was younger... probably around 5 or 6 years old, my mother and I got in a fight.  Not sure what it was about, but purely out of anger and immaturity, I screamed at her and told her she wasn't my real mom.  (wow that doesn't feel good saying it out loud)  I had no idea how much those words would hurt her.  We do a lot of dumb things when we are younger without thinking of the consequences. Our brains are still trying to grasps those types of concepts, "if I do this, then this will happen".  Needless to say, that is the WORST thing you can tell your mom especially when she has changed her entire life for you and would die for you.  When all said and done, my mom saved me.  Who knows where I'd be if my parents had not adopted me.  I am eternally grateful for them, I just wish I had never said that and made my mother feel that way.  I would take that back in a heart beat!

I did get the chance to tell my mother I am sorry before she passed away.  She was very understanding, but that still does not make it okay that I said such dreadful words.  This is another reason why I make it a conscious effort to choose my words wisely.

Live without regret... say I'm Sorry and say I Love You whenever you can.

  

Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

My first and only thought would be to get my ass to Vegas immediately!

Everyone fights with their friends at some point in their lives... it happens, especially with girls.  My best friend, Rachael and I have already been through thick and thin so I know that we would get over our tiff and move forward.  In general though, ever since my mom died, I make a conscious effort to choose my words wisely in case something tragic happens to either one of us.  If I have learned one thing in my lifetime, anything can happen at any moment.  

With this particular scenario, like I said, I would get to where she is immediately, apologize for whatever we are fighting about (no matter who's at fault), give her a big hug and remind her exactly what she means to me.  

Rachael- in case you have didn't already know, I love you so much and miss you to death!  We can go weeks without talking but can still pick up the phone and pick up from where we left off and that's what I love about you!  As we get older our lives will continue to get busier and more complicated, but you are and will always be my best friend- someone I will turn to, listen to, and be there for!  <3  

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Obviously drugs are bad.  Unfortunately, I have lost many friends in different ways due to hard drugs.  A good friend of mine in high school and my good friends father of her child overdosed on drugs numerous times and finally didn't make it.  He was a genius and just went down the right path.  My theory- he was so smart (smarter then any of our friends) that nothing thrilled him... so he turned to drugs for the thrill, got hooked, and lost control.  But again, that's just my theory.  In high school I had a lot of friends who got caught up in that scene.  Some came out of it and some didn't.

Peer pressure was strong in high school.  I was definitely overly exposed to drugs and looking back I wish I was never in those situations.  But it is what it is.  I know that a lot of my friends who experimented with drugs did it not so much of peer pressure but because they felt comfortable doing it for the first time with certain people... made them feel "safe".  I don't know.

I just know that hard drugs are horrible and they take over good lives.  It's an easy out for a lot of people.  It makes me sick when I can tell when someone is on drugs.  To me they are just throwing their life away and probably taking a lot of people down with them.  I just wish that more people would realize that there are other ways to cope with stress, break ups, boredom, depression, sadness etc.  If I had three wishes, one of them would definitely be to get rid of hard drugs around the world!

Day 19: What do you think of religion? or what do you think of politics?

First and foremost, I hate politics.  I wish there was no such thing! lol.  Yes I probably hate it because I don't know much about politics but I just hate that every time it's brought up it turns from a conversation to an argument instantly!  Don't get my wrong religion can be the same way... I just wish people would be more accepting of others opinions.  So that being said, I'll tell you what I think about religion.

I am a Christian.  I believe in God.  I pray.  I believe in Heaven and Hell.  I have faith.  I do not read the Bible (not since I was younger).  I do not take the Bible literally.  I attend church occasionally.

I love the way I was raised.  We went to church on Sundays and holidays.  I was confirmed into my church in 8th grade.  I was taught how to pray every night- not to ask for things but ask for help and guidance- not to ask for Him to solve my problems but to lead me to the right conclusions.  I was raised to look up to God for enlightenment.  This is the way I plan to raise my family.
Praying has pretty much saved my life as I underwent the tragic events growing up.  I am confident that it will continue to help me throughout the rest of my life.  The power of prayer is insane!

I have definitely questioned God and my faith in God when I was put into these horrific situations.  "How could He do this to me and my family?"; "Why is He punishing me?"; "If God was there to do good for people then why would He do this to me?"; "If He loves everyone equally, then why doesn't He love me?"  My faith is in God and I trust that he has a plan for all of us.  It might not be our plan but we can adapt to his plan and see the positive out of the negative.  

I have a lot of family members who have a strong faith in God and the Bible and I'm not going to lie but when I spoke with them through my trials and tribulations, their guidance from the Word was uplifting and gave me hope and contentment.
Like I said, the power of prayer is strong and it works!  So for that, I will continue to pray and believe in God.

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.

Wow... now touching on the controversial subjects within the 30 Days of Truth...

I personally am not against gay marriage.  I can understand that by definition marriage is a formal union between man and a woman but when have we all lived by definition?  By definition love is an intense feeling of deep affection... there is no limitation on who can or can't love, so why should there be for marriage?  A lot the stuff we partake in as humans probably goes against the true definition of a Christian or Catholic etc.  I personally do not follow the Bible literally.  I believe in Faith and in God but I do not live according to everything the Bible says.  I was never brought up that way either.  

I don't think there should be laws and regulations against certain people or groups of people in all aspects- I do not like segregating people.  I don't think anyone should be told what they can or can't do.  Love is love.  No matter what.  Humans are humans.  No matter what.  It's rare to find true love these days so why limit the way people can express it?  

Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Ok, so I have thought and thought about this post and had a hard time thinking about my response.  I wrote out an entire list of the books I have read (all the ones that I remembered) and tried to think of ways it had changed my view about anything.  So this is going to be a stretch... and if I think of something better, I might just have to edit and repost :)

Harry Potter series has changed my views on fantasy.
I have never been a fan of fantasy or sci-fi books or movies.  I guess I don't have a very creative imagination so when reading the Harry Potter series, I definitely got to exercise my imagination.  The best part of the books was making up my own mind about how the characters and events were playing out.  I didn't think I would like the movies so I attempted to read the first book of the series.  Immediately got addicted and couldn't put it down.  I haven't read all the books but I have read most of them.  I would like to pick them back up because I still think my imagination is better then the movies. (in my head the books seem less cheesy then the movies)

Another fantasy book I read that changed my views on this genre is the Twilight series.  Laugh if you will, but I loved this series as well.  The movies just didn't do the books justice because once again, I enjoy my reinvented imagination better.
I still think fantasy stuff is lame and can't completely wrap my mind around it all, but maybe I just need to read more and then I can attempt to be ok with it! I'll keep you posted :P

Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Note:  This isn't going to hold too much description bc he isn't worth it and its a long, messy, depressing story from beginning to end.  Just trust the words I write.

The person I would definitely live without and wish had never lived with is my ex-stepfather.  I wish he never came into my entire families lives (immediate and extended family).  I hold no respect for this man.  Every time I think about him I cringe.  He turned my entire life around and upside down the day he came into our lives.  I wish I could be there to see the day karma kicks him right in the ass times  TRILLION!  If you done wrong in your life, he has done worse!  Of course I wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for certain events that have occurred but he didn't have to be apart of them, especially the way it all played out! He ruined my life and my families life.  
I can't even write anything else bc he makes my blood boil!  I thank God that he is no longer in my life and I pray everyday he never tries to become apart of it again!  I try to see the best in everyone but he has nothing going for him.  I hope he doesn't do what he did to my family to another one.  I can only hope he changes his evil and deceitful ways.  But I will not hold my breath.
What goes around comes around.

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

This may sound silly to most of you but it was the first thing that came to mind when I saw this question.  I have had this certain pillow since I was a baby.  This pillow used to go everywhere with me and to this day, I still sleep with it every night. I can't get a good nights sleep if I don't have it.  Don't do it.. don't judge me ;)
Many years ago a good family friend thought it would be funny to hide my pillow in the seat covers in their car.  After a few days, they forgot where they had put it and the joke was no longer funny.  I seriously was heartbroken when it was gone and no where to be found.
This pillow has given me so much comfort throughout my 26 years of having it.  It comforted me through all my time out's as a kid, my parents divorce; it was one of the few items in my room that survived when half my house burned down when I was in high school; it was there with me through my entire grieving process when I lost my mom.... etc.
It definitely looks like it needs a makeover (or maybe even replaced) but neither of those are an option for me.  I'll just continue to sew up the holes, re-stuff it from time to time and wash it on super gentle cycle :)

Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Since my hero hasn't let me down, I am still going to write a letter to my hero so she know's exactly how I feel.

Dear Danica,

In case you didn't already know you are my hero.  I can honestly say that you have never really let me down.  You are an amazing sister, mother, wife, and daughter!  I look up to you like I would mom, if she were still here with us.  As family we have been through a lot of rough patches in life with and without each other but no matter what you have always been there for me and never placed judgement.  

You give me your honest opinion whether I want to hear it- you tell me because I need to hear it.  You have always made me feel comfortable confiding in you.  You have been there to hold my hand at the times I have needed.  You have helped me realize things that I was blinded to.  You pick me up when I am down.  You help me see realistically instead of always my fantasy.  You have helped me realize that no one is perfect and compromise is just another key to relationships.  You have made me feel appreciated when I bend over backwards.  You have been an amazing role model as a mother and a wife.  You have also endured tragedy that no one else will understand and you prevailed.  You have made me feel loved when I felt the opposite.

By definition a hero is a man or woman distinguished by exceptional courage and nobility and strength.  That is my sister.

Day 13: Write a letter to a band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.

Dear Kelly Clarkson,

I don't even know where to begin.... your albums Breakaway and My December were life changers for me.  I went through two really bad break ups when both these albums came out.  I seriously at the time thought to myself "did she write these songs FOR ME!?"  Most of the songs on your albums seem to fit my situation perfectly.  When your first single Breakaway came out, I knew it was a sign.  A sign to breakaway and change me life.  Once I made that change, I heard Since You've Been Gone and that confirmed that the breakaway that took place was a good and positive move I made!  

Aside from the names I have previously mentioned, here is a list of songs and how they hugely impacted me throughout my tough times in life with love, heartache, and relationship:

Because of You (because of you I can't trust or love again)

Addicted (I was so wrapped up into this guy that he was like my drug)

I Hate Myself For Loosing You (I hated myself for months and months because I thought it was my fault that he left)

Never Again (never again will I get back with this guy because he left me for another girl)

My Life Would Suck Without You (I was determined we were going to be together again... yes even after 2 tries and a 4 year relationship)

And that is just to name a few!  

I sincerely want to thank you for helping me through my rough patches and healing my broken heart!  I know this may all sound really silly but most of your songs have given me hope, inspiration, and motivation.  I learned so much about myself through your songs because of how they fit each situation I was in at the time.  Your music is up lifting and help me really get back on me feet!  

Your forever fan,

Kira

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.

I never really seem to get complimented on my clothes/outfits. I know I am a very plain person... I don't like a lot of pattern on my shirts or any crazy color shoes.   My closet is pretty basic... solid colored shirts and solid colored shoes and boots.  I don't have too many "WOW!" accessories either and I usally keep my makeup pretty basic.
Even when I was younger I was pretty much a tomboy (thanks to my sister!)... had the sporty look going on.  Never really cared about my outfits because I was always too concerned with my weight.  I would dress my weight to hide all my insecurities.  Not saying it worked but there was always the attempt.
Now, I like to keep it simple usually.  There have been a few times that I attempt to "spice up" my closet but then I only end up wearing it once or twice and that's about it.  I feel like the neutral colors (black, white, beige/brown) are easier to match therefore I do not have to spend any extra money on trying to match everything if it has an outstanding design.  I've always had the "less is more" mentality when it comes to how I dress.  I have always been around a lot of girls who are constantly complimenting each other's outfits and "oh you look so cute!" and I have just rarely ever been "that" girl.  Even though I do not get compliments on how I dress, it doesn't really bother me.

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Physically, I get a lot of compliments on my hair.  The color, thickness, hair type (that I can leave it wavy, make it curly or straight), and that I don't have to wash it everyday (I was actually told not to wash it everyday), lol.  It has always shocked me that this is what people compliment me on because I have always disliked like my hair (more so when I was growing up).  Now that I know how to do it, I think my hair is "ok" but nothing worth the compliments.  People always tell me they would die to have my hair and I just never really understood why.  I guess probably because its mine and people are usually wanting what they don't have! lol.

One other thing that I get compliments on all the time that is not a physical quality is my name!  I know it's getting more popular these days but when I was in high school and younger, people always seem to love it and its uniqueness when they would hear my name.  Now I know quite a bit of Kira's but I still get the compliments and I agree with them.  I used to hate my name because it wasn't common like Ashley or Tiffany or Jessica.  No one could ever spell it right (they still have a hard to now) and when teachers would pronounce it in class it would sound like a foreign language!  Now I love and appreciate the uniqueness even if people can't spell it or say it! :)

Thanks mom, dad, and the Dark Crystal for my name!  

Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

I am very proud to say that to this day there is not one unhealthy person who effects my life in a negative way!
That is a very good feeling considering I have spent a good majority of my life weaning everyone out who is harmful to me as a person and my development.  There were plenty of times that I got caught up in the wrong crowd whether it was for a short period of time or for an extended period of time.  I have made my fair share of bad decisions and very bad decision, but as always stated, I wouldn't be who I am today if I had never made those decisions.  Granted my mother would have killed me if she was alive when I was making these bad decisions, but she knows (and always has known) to let me live and learn on my own.  She had faith in me that I would never get that destructive and I would make the most of myself.
When I do come across people who bring me down in any way, I let them go immediately.  I got really sick and tired of having people in my life who were toxic; I felt like I was constantly babysitting.  To me, I felt like I was wasting my life away.
I like to think that I am a good judge of character and I am now at an age and place in my life where I know what and who I want in my life now and forever.  I want people who are strong, live healthy lifestyles, love to have fun and laugh, and who care about me for who I am and nothing more or less.  I think that everyone in my life currently fits those attributes.  I am the happiest I have been in a long time.
*Thank you to each and everyone of you who are apart of my life and my happiness*

Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Back in 2005!

I am going to name drop this person because she deserves to know that I am talking about her! Shannon Carbone (maiden name Hellem) and I met sophomore year in high school in Arizona.  I saw her sitting by herself before school started, went up and talked to her and we were friends right away.  She was new to town and I also had recently moved to AZ from NM. We were inseparable!  She was definitely like a sister to me and her family was like my second family.  When I was going through the roughest time in my life (when mom died), she was there for me.  Right by my side holding my hand through it all.  Not many of my friends got to meet my mom because we had just moved to AZ and I was still "finding my set group".  She did get to meet her... and I know my mom loved her too!  Shanny and I had so many good memories... getting decked out for DV Football games, writing happy notes on a daily basis, singing All Saints "Never Ever", gossiping about boys, working at the Legend Dry Cleaners... oh the list goes on.  Unfortunately after high school we went our separate ways but some how would reconnect from time to time.  Last time I saw her was right before I graduated from ASU.  Every time I see her I am so glad to catch up and hear about what's been going on in her life.  We have done a lot with each other over the years but yet we also have missed out on a lot of important events in each other's lives.  I understand that happens, I just hate that we drifted.  Thank you to Facebook we have reconnected yet again and it is always nice chatting with her and see her enjoying life and happy as ever!

I miss you shannon, but know that no matter where we are in life I think of you and our memories often.  Thank you for being such an amazing friend the entire time I have known you!

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Disclaimer: Ok, so if you read this and and you recognize that this is about you, please know that I have taken the challenge 100% seriously and that I am to tell the truth.  I do not think this person treated me like crap but at the time this person made my life hell.  I do not hold a grudge nor do I hold this against you.  I am strictly speaking on how I felt at the time.

A few years ago, I was dating some for two years and we decided to break up.  Months later I find out that he had gotten a girl pregnant and they were going to keep the baby.  At this time, me and him had no communication with each other... I found through myspace that he was having a baby with this girl.  We then were at a point where we decided we could be friends and before you know it we were getting back together.  I had the pleasure to be in their little boys life except it wasn't so much a pleasure after all.  The "babies mama" seemed very difficult in this entire situation.  I know she was bitter that he had left her for me (because originally, I believe that he left me for her).  I know she was angry that they weren't going to be the prefect family she had hoped but he had disclosed to me many times (before we got back together) that they decided to give up their son for adoption (this was before he was born).  Needless to say, they had their son, him and I got back together, and she made our life hell.  It was SO hard to make a schedule that fit for everyone involved... me, him, her, and their son.  The poor little guy was seeing and being cared for from multiple people a day bc they was no schedule.  There were numerous times that I had to be late to school or miss school because of lack of schedule.  I knew what I was getting myself into when I decided to get back together with him.  But I had no idea that she would be such a handful!  I doubt she did it on purpose but thats how I felt then.  When we had the baby, we would try and get him in bed and woken up at certain times (ROUTINE).  And a lot of times we would sign onto myspace and see that when she had him, he was on an entire different schedule.  The baby was always sick and seem lethargic a lot of the times.  There was no routine between households.  Things had gotten so bad that it really effected my relationship.  I eventually had enough and sat down with her to put everything on the table.  It took a lot for me to do that at the time but I was fed up.  After our first talk I felt like we were all going to be able to work together but I was wrong.  Things didn't change and neither did communication.  I became "that" girl... the girl who wasn't allowed at his first birthday party.  The girl who tore her family apart.  The girl who had to stand by her boyfriend because she was taking him to family court for "back pay child support" (even tho he was paying her monthly).  Boy oh boy it was an extremely bumpy road... and at the time I felt like she mad my life hell. 

Needless to say, the baby (who is now turning 5 years) is healthy and happy with his new family!  He was always such a cute kid!  Its so nice to see his happiness through the pictures I have seen the past few years.  

Day Seven: Someone who has made your life living.

First and foremost I want to point out that I used to live my life for everyone else but myself.  I always wanted everyone else to be happy and forgot about my own happiness and my own needs/wants in life.  Until recently, I have learned to live for myself and not for anyone else.  I still care about other's happiness but I do not forget about my own.  

Aside from myself, my niece Addie is a person who has made my life worth living.  She is THE strongest person I know even though she is only 2.5 years old.  She has been through more then most adults I know.  She has impacted SO many lives for those who have met her and those who have not met her.  She was born at 25 weeks old and has defied all odds in these past few years.  She is my inspiration, my motivation, and my hero.  When I have a bad day or an obstacle in my way, I think of Addie.  I know she doesn't understand much that she has gone through, but I have full confidence that as she grows up and comes across her own bumps in the road, she will know how to conquer them.  

Throughout all her misfortune, Addie is the most lovable, caring, and considerate little angel you will ever meet (and no I am not just bias)!  

Day Six: Something you hope you never have to do.

This post maybe hard for some people to read because they have been in this situation before.  Unfortunately a lot of people have been through this and I can't being to fathom what it would be like loose a child. It seems more and more common these days and that just about tears my heart apart.  Whether its miscarriages, stillborn, accidents, or just unexplained reasons, its just unfair and completely heart breaking.  This in fact has happened to my family.  My nephew died after nine hours of being alive.  He was born at 25 weeks along with my niece, Addison.  It takes a lot of strength and especially support to get through a situation like this and Austin, wasn't even my kid.  My heart goes out to each and every person out there who has been through this ask well.  I hold my sister on a pedestal because of how her and her husband bonded together in this time of tragedy and persevered!  Their strength is amazing. It pains me to know that many people have lost their child/children.  Parents are not supposed to bury their children.  Especially before they even get a change of living!
This is something I hope to never have to experience again in my lifetime.  I give thousands of hugs to those of you who have experienced this.

Day Five: Something you hope to do in your life.

This is a complex question for me because I have SO many answers.  Obviously I want to travel... travel to at least a few places in Europe, Australia etc...  but most importantly I want to have a family of my own.  

Ever since I was a little girl, I loved playing house with dolls and pretend with my stuff animals.  Not only do I want my own family, but I really want to adopt a child as well as have my own.  I was adopted at birth and would love to pay it forward.  I am so fortunate to be put with such amazing parents!  They both would do anything for both my sister and myself (and everyone around them).  I am always thanking God for putting me where I am and making that adoption part of my life plan.  I always drift and think of where my life would be if I had not been adopted.  I do not know much about my birth parents, except that they were very young when they had me.  I think its a very selfless act to give up your child when you know that you cannot give them the life they deserve. I want to give a child a home that doesn't have one and a life full of love and happiness that they deserve.  I want to pay it forward.  Since I cannot pay my biological parents back, I want to pay it forward.

“If you can’t feed a hundred people, then just feed one.” Mother Teresa

Day Four: Something you have to forgive someone for.

I need and very much want to forgive someone who is very close to me.  We have an amazing connection and relationship but a few weeks ago I was lied to. The lie was made for sake of argument.  I dont want to make excuses for the lie but it hurt me and has brought up other issues from my past.  It's hard when the lie is harmless when said but can trigger past experiences and immediately it turns from harmless to harmful.  This person has recognized that it should have never happened.  We are both aware of how much communication and honesty are the foundations of a solid, healthy relationship, but it is up to me to forgive, forget, and move forward.  

Sorry for the lack of detail... I dont want to throw anyone under the bus.  But writing this post has helped me realize exactly what I need to forgive and the importance of forgiving  this person.  

   

Day Three: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Heres a mini background to the answer to this question... For those of you who do not know this my mother passed away about 10 years ago (when I just 16 years old).  We were tubbing on Lake Pleasant in Arizona and we were struck by another boat.  I saw the entire event taking place... I saw the boat coming and tried with all my might to get my mother off the tube (our tubes were a double connected tube).  I slipped away from her due to all the sun screen that was masked over her arms.   Mother died immediately due to a brain hemorrhage from hitting the front of the other boat.
I need to forgive myself because there is still a very small part of me that blames myself for this tragic accident.
We originally planned to go to the lake that day (Monday, Memorial Day 2000- one of the busiest days of the year to go boating) and the night before my mom told me we were not going anymore. I was devastated.  Monday morning I begged, I threw a 2 year-old temper tantrum (yes I was 16 at the time) and I got my way.  We went to the lake.  The driver of our boat (no names, no titles) had been drinking and lied and said he had not to the police.  I packed the cooler. Still to this day, a very small part of me thinks:
1. I should have pulled my mother off that tube in time.
2. I should not have acted like an immature adolescent/toddler only to get my way.
3. I should not have packed the cooler with beer.
These are three things I just cant forgive myself for and because this is a challenge, I challenge myself to start to believe myself when I say "it was not my fault".

Please know that I have done a lot of forgiving of myself already these past 10 years.  8 consecutive years of counseling has helped me get to where I am now in the grieving process.

Day Two: Something you love about yourself.

This was harder then the first questions... why is it easier to admit something you hate about yourself then to admit something you love? (well thats the case for me right now)

One thing I do love about myself is my Strength. Not physical strength but emotional and mental strength.  We are all familiar with the phrase, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" well that is my motto that describes the life I have lived for at least the past 10 years.  From being a bystander in my mother's tragic and fatal accident, to family alcoholism, to loosing a nephew I never got to meet and having a niece with life threatening medical condition.  All these tragedies are what built who I am today.  They are the foundation of my strength.  Dont get me wrong, there were many times I wanted to give up and throw the towel in, but because of the amazing support from my family and friends and many many many years of counseling, I never gave up.  I grieved and continued my life... never forgetting about those who got me here.  Because of the Strength that I love about myself, strength makes me love life.  I unconditionally love the life I have and love all the people in it!

Day One: Something you hate about yourself.

This isnt going to be easy to disclose...

I hate my body.  I hate my body type.  I hate my weight. I hate the way I look and am very insecure in just about everything I put on.  I hate that it has been a battle my entire life and not having the "body type" I want.  Its a constant struggle.  Its been a constant struggle my entire life.  I have never been the type of person who was ever "skinny".  Not even as a child.  My mother used to call me and my sister fat all the time, and we weren't even that big!  I feel like I have done everything to help get this issue under control.  Over the past years (my whole life) I have done NUMEROUS diets, counted calories, used diet pills, stuck to strictly to only eating what I consider "rabbit food", I have worked out 7 days a week- elliptical, weight lifting, and swimming.  Not even starving myself would help me loose weight.  The times that I have lost a few lbs I literally had NO social life (bc I had to cut everything out) and I worked my BUTT off literally just to gain it back quicker!  The times that I was at my "thinnest" it was unhealthy.  I had a bad life style, was under a lot of stress and dealing with depression.

Since I am adopted and do not know my genes, it makes this issue even more problematic and frustrating!  The one thing I do know about myself now and that directly affects rapid weight gain is my hypothyroidism.  This is something that is SO hard to keep under control and it determines my weight for me.

Since I have done just about everything, I am only left with discourage.  I feel like nothing I do will help me get to the body type/weight I want to be. This is something I hate about myself.   Especially because I do not just sit at home all day, stuffing my face with crap!  

The 30 Days of Truth Challenge

I decided to take on this challenge after a good friend of mine did.  While reading her responses to each question of the day, I felt the relief she felt by expressing her inner most truths about herself and those in her life.  Truths can be brutal but can be very enlightening.  Its hard to voice the truth sometimes so writing it down can help release the thoughts and feelings that may have been eating away at you for a long time.  It can also help you realize how to deal with situations and also reveal how much to have already learned throughout your life experiences.  I was in therapy for 8 years, so this is my new way of therapy!

I will not be disclosing any names throughout this challenge.  This is to help me grow more as a person.  

I encourage each and everyone of you to do this as well!  This will definitely make you think and analyze the person who you are.  You may even reveal the truths you never knew about yourself.  

These are the questions I will be answering for the next 30 days: 

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.