Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Dear Self,

I love that you joined this challenge.  I love how it made you dig deep into your soul and into your past.  I also love the response that you got after every post that you wrote.  I love the impression you have made on others and I know that you will continue to make those impressions if you stay true to yourself. I love that you love being 'you' and do not want to change for anyone.  I love that you are up to face personal challenges and go at them 100%.  I love the way you love your family.  I love your outlook on life and try to stay positive through the toughest of times.  I love you strength.  Continue to be strong throughout life's bumps.
Love Always,
Yourself

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I always sweat the small stuff and that is something I hope to change about myself.  The smallest things make me worry and frustrated.  For example, change of plans- if I prepare myself to do what we are planned to do, I don't do well with change of plans.  I get annoyed even though I know I don't have control over the situation and the change of plans is not a life or death change!  Also, when I am used to being on time most of the time, I get irritated when I am left waiting for people (this really is for only a few people...no not you Katy so don't think I am talking about you :) )  I know I tend to freak out (mostly internally freak out), but it's hard for me to let go of the small stuff and move forward.
When I was in college I would freak out over every exam because I would concentrate on what if I do bad instead of just finishing the exam.
I know I have more examples and I could keep going on but I think you all get the point.  We shouldn't let all those little things/annoyances in our lives consume us.  Here is what I need to do to help change this about myself:
~ If I practice patience I will learn to let go of those little things that eat at me.
~ I also know that I need to live in the moment and try not to control everything else around me or even situations that haven't even occurred yet or already happened.
~ There is always a bigger picture and that's where I need to turn my focus to.
 

Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

If I got pregnant at this point in my life, I would definitely raise my child.  I am in a committed, long term relationship and I would take full responsibility for my actions.  I am also at a place in my life where I am perfectly capable of taking care of and raising my own child.  I absolutely love children especially my nieces!  There are numerous things I still have planned for myself before having a baby but if it were to happen, I would be elated and focused.  Not saying I wouldn't be scared and nervous because I know how much life changes when you add a newborn to the mix, but I would deal with it and learn how to become a parent.  Thankfully I have a lot of caregiving experience with my nieces so I would be up for the challenge.  I am really looking forward to starting my own family, but it will happen when it's the right time for me.

I just pray that when I am ready and trying for my own family I do not have complications such as infertility issues.  My sister has been through so much to get both of her beautiful children.  So if that were the road that I have to take, then I am blessed to have someone so close to me to hold my hand throughout the entire experience and always show the light at the end of the tunnel.

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?

My relationship with my boyfriend, Michael.  Personally, he is the best thing that has happened to me in a while.  He is the most loving and caring person you will meet. He does not have one mean bone in his body.  He always thinks of others but doesn't forget about himself either.
Our relationship posses the main characteristics of a relationship- we trust each other, we love each other, and we communicate.  We also share many similar interests and enjoy each other's company.  We also have similar plans for the future and carry the same morals- that is a huge plus in a relationship.  I am very happy with the way our relationship is going.  We still have so much to learn about each other and have a few things we need to work on, but I am looking forward to growing more and more with you, Michael.  

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Suicide is something that has never crossed my mind.  Even when I was at my lowest of the lows, I never thought about ending my life.  After my mom passed away, I would wake up frequently from nightmares where I did overdose on medications or drank myself to a coma. I truly think that because of those nightmares I was too scared to think about turning those nightmares into a reality.

Every time I hear about suicide especially teen suicide I get very sad.  Too many people end their lives early and mainly for reasons that could have been prevented.  I have always been a very open and out spoken person, so that was what saved me from ending my life.  A few months after my mother died, I went straight to counseling because I knew my mother would not like it if I were to give up.  She never would and would never want me too.
  

Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Considering I should have been hit with the same boat mom was I know I have been put on this earth for a reason.  I believe I am still alive today to help people.  Help people deal with their hardships- breakups, domestic violence, loss of loved ones, depression, family alcoholism, and adoption.  I feel strongly about this because I have been through all of these myself and grew from each experience.

I have been through 2 major break ups that were devastating for me at the time but learned to forgive and move forward.  I learned to remember to be true to myself and not to settle for less.  I learned how to mend my own broken heart instead of finding someone else to do it for me.

I have been a victim of domestic violence.  It wasn't anything extreme or even prolonged but it happen.  I was dating a guy who hit me.  Just once, but he hit me right across the face out of anger.  I literally turned around and walked right out of his life without turning back.  I could help people gain that same strength and confidence to do the same thing I did because I know a lot of people who can't and have not.  NO ONE deserves to be hit.  NO MATTER WHAT.  There is absolutely no tolerance for that.

I have lost my mother, my grandmother, my grandfather, and a few friends.  I have learned that God has a plan for everyone.. and even though these people's calendar days were over, they are still living just some where else.

I am here on this earth to also help people learn how to deal with alcoholism within the family.  How to reach out to other people with their problems instead of choosing risky behavior and also help teach people how to live and cope with someone who is addicted to alcohol.

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

To this for you mom mainly based on what you mean to me or what reminds me of you:

1. Puff Daddy- I'll Be Missing You (bc I miss you but will see you again)
3. Savage Garden- Truly Madly Deeply (this was our song)
4. Akon- Angel (she is my angel)
5. Carrie Underwood- Mama's Song (a letter from me to you- don't worry about me I found Mr. Forever)
6. Mariah Carey- Hero (you are my hero & we used to listen to this together ALL the time and she would sing horribly and I'd laugh)
7. Sarah McLachlan- Angel (we played this at your funeral bc we knew you loved it so much)
8.  Emelo- Looking on the Bright Side (continually try to look on the bright side of what I have gained since I have lost you)
9. Enya- Only Time (brings me to peace)
10. Leanna Rhymes- How Do I Live
11. Des'ree- You Gotta Be (what you taught me- to be strong)
12. Israel "Iz" Kamakawiwo'ole- Somewhere Over the Rainbow (when I see a rainbow, I think of you)
13.  Christina Aguilera- Fighter  (you were a fighter throughout the the bullshit stepdad put you through)

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I had gone straight to my Master's Degree.  This doesn't mean I still can't because I still plan to but I just wish I didn't take the time off.  Granted the time off was well needed because I needed to move back home to be with my family.  I have a few options as far as achieving my Masters in Family Counseling.  Im just SO fearful of a few different things including the GRE's!  I am the WORST test taker on this planet bc my anxiety gets the best of me and I simple freak out.
I actually have a few fears about going back to school.  I know I did very well when I was at ASU (graduated suma cum laude) but I had my A.D.D. under control which is something that I am not medicated for now.  Unfortunately even if I had insurance they don't cover the medication so it is just one other expense that I do not want to have to be responsible for right now.  But when it is under control, I am a complete different person!  I have confidence and I believe in myself.  It really makes a huge difference to me.  So since I won't have it controlled it makes me loose confidence in myself.  This is something that I really need to overcome. I need to regain confidence in myself that I can do it and I can succeed.  I also need to remind myself that I am not expected to get another 3.9 GPA  and that I should lower my exceptionally high expectations of myself... then the fear will less likely hold me back.  (See! I know exactly what I need to do.. just gotta put it into action!!)- easier said then done.

Fear can get the best of us and I really need to learn to overcome fear.

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

When I was younger... probably around 5 or 6 years old, my mother and I got in a fight.  Not sure what it was about, but purely out of anger and immaturity, I screamed at her and told her she wasn't my real mom.  (wow that doesn't feel good saying it out loud)  I had no idea how much those words would hurt her.  We do a lot of dumb things when we are younger without thinking of the consequences. Our brains are still trying to grasps those types of concepts, "if I do this, then this will happen".  Needless to say, that is the WORST thing you can tell your mom especially when she has changed her entire life for you and would die for you.  When all said and done, my mom saved me.  Who knows where I'd be if my parents had not adopted me.  I am eternally grateful for them, I just wish I had never said that and made my mother feel that way.  I would take that back in a heart beat!

I did get the chance to tell my mother I am sorry before she passed away.  She was very understanding, but that still does not make it okay that I said such dreadful words.  This is another reason why I make it a conscious effort to choose my words wisely.

Live without regret... say I'm Sorry and say I Love You whenever you can.

  

Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

My first and only thought would be to get my ass to Vegas immediately!

Everyone fights with their friends at some point in their lives... it happens, especially with girls.  My best friend, Rachael and I have already been through thick and thin so I know that we would get over our tiff and move forward.  In general though, ever since my mom died, I make a conscious effort to choose my words wisely in case something tragic happens to either one of us.  If I have learned one thing in my lifetime, anything can happen at any moment.  

With this particular scenario, like I said, I would get to where she is immediately, apologize for whatever we are fighting about (no matter who's at fault), give her a big hug and remind her exactly what she means to me.  

Rachael- in case you have didn't already know, I love you so much and miss you to death!  We can go weeks without talking but can still pick up the phone and pick up from where we left off and that's what I love about you!  As we get older our lives will continue to get busier and more complicated, but you are and will always be my best friend- someone I will turn to, listen to, and be there for!  <3  

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Obviously drugs are bad.  Unfortunately, I have lost many friends in different ways due to hard drugs.  A good friend of mine in high school and my good friends father of her child overdosed on drugs numerous times and finally didn't make it.  He was a genius and just went down the right path.  My theory- he was so smart (smarter then any of our friends) that nothing thrilled him... so he turned to drugs for the thrill, got hooked, and lost control.  But again, that's just my theory.  In high school I had a lot of friends who got caught up in that scene.  Some came out of it and some didn't.

Peer pressure was strong in high school.  I was definitely overly exposed to drugs and looking back I wish I was never in those situations.  But it is what it is.  I know that a lot of my friends who experimented with drugs did it not so much of peer pressure but because they felt comfortable doing it for the first time with certain people... made them feel "safe".  I don't know.

I just know that hard drugs are horrible and they take over good lives.  It's an easy out for a lot of people.  It makes me sick when I can tell when someone is on drugs.  To me they are just throwing their life away and probably taking a lot of people down with them.  I just wish that more people would realize that there are other ways to cope with stress, break ups, boredom, depression, sadness etc.  If I had three wishes, one of them would definitely be to get rid of hard drugs around the world!

Day 19: What do you think of religion? or what do you think of politics?

First and foremost, I hate politics.  I wish there was no such thing! lol.  Yes I probably hate it because I don't know much about politics but I just hate that every time it's brought up it turns from a conversation to an argument instantly!  Don't get my wrong religion can be the same way... I just wish people would be more accepting of others opinions.  So that being said, I'll tell you what I think about religion.

I am a Christian.  I believe in God.  I pray.  I believe in Heaven and Hell.  I have faith.  I do not read the Bible (not since I was younger).  I do not take the Bible literally.  I attend church occasionally.

I love the way I was raised.  We went to church on Sundays and holidays.  I was confirmed into my church in 8th grade.  I was taught how to pray every night- not to ask for things but ask for help and guidance- not to ask for Him to solve my problems but to lead me to the right conclusions.  I was raised to look up to God for enlightenment.  This is the way I plan to raise my family.
Praying has pretty much saved my life as I underwent the tragic events growing up.  I am confident that it will continue to help me throughout the rest of my life.  The power of prayer is insane!

I have definitely questioned God and my faith in God when I was put into these horrific situations.  "How could He do this to me and my family?"; "Why is He punishing me?"; "If God was there to do good for people then why would He do this to me?"; "If He loves everyone equally, then why doesn't He love me?"  My faith is in God and I trust that he has a plan for all of us.  It might not be our plan but we can adapt to his plan and see the positive out of the negative.  

I have a lot of family members who have a strong faith in God and the Bible and I'm not going to lie but when I spoke with them through my trials and tribulations, their guidance from the Word was uplifting and gave me hope and contentment.
Like I said, the power of prayer is strong and it works!  So for that, I will continue to pray and believe in God.

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.

Wow... now touching on the controversial subjects within the 30 Days of Truth...

I personally am not against gay marriage.  I can understand that by definition marriage is a formal union between man and a woman but when have we all lived by definition?  By definition love is an intense feeling of deep affection... there is no limitation on who can or can't love, so why should there be for marriage?  A lot the stuff we partake in as humans probably goes against the true definition of a Christian or Catholic etc.  I personally do not follow the Bible literally.  I believe in Faith and in God but I do not live according to everything the Bible says.  I was never brought up that way either.  

I don't think there should be laws and regulations against certain people or groups of people in all aspects- I do not like segregating people.  I don't think anyone should be told what they can or can't do.  Love is love.  No matter what.  Humans are humans.  No matter what.  It's rare to find true love these days so why limit the way people can express it?  

Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Ok, so I have thought and thought about this post and had a hard time thinking about my response.  I wrote out an entire list of the books I have read (all the ones that I remembered) and tried to think of ways it had changed my view about anything.  So this is going to be a stretch... and if I think of something better, I might just have to edit and repost :)

Harry Potter series has changed my views on fantasy.
I have never been a fan of fantasy or sci-fi books or movies.  I guess I don't have a very creative imagination so when reading the Harry Potter series, I definitely got to exercise my imagination.  The best part of the books was making up my own mind about how the characters and events were playing out.  I didn't think I would like the movies so I attempted to read the first book of the series.  Immediately got addicted and couldn't put it down.  I haven't read all the books but I have read most of them.  I would like to pick them back up because I still think my imagination is better then the movies. (in my head the books seem less cheesy then the movies)

Another fantasy book I read that changed my views on this genre is the Twilight series.  Laugh if you will, but I loved this series as well.  The movies just didn't do the books justice because once again, I enjoy my reinvented imagination better.
I still think fantasy stuff is lame and can't completely wrap my mind around it all, but maybe I just need to read more and then I can attempt to be ok with it! I'll keep you posted :P

Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Note:  This isn't going to hold too much description bc he isn't worth it and its a long, messy, depressing story from beginning to end.  Just trust the words I write.

The person I would definitely live without and wish had never lived with is my ex-stepfather.  I wish he never came into my entire families lives (immediate and extended family).  I hold no respect for this man.  Every time I think about him I cringe.  He turned my entire life around and upside down the day he came into our lives.  I wish I could be there to see the day karma kicks him right in the ass times  TRILLION!  If you done wrong in your life, he has done worse!  Of course I wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for certain events that have occurred but he didn't have to be apart of them, especially the way it all played out! He ruined my life and my families life.  
I can't even write anything else bc he makes my blood boil!  I thank God that he is no longer in my life and I pray everyday he never tries to become apart of it again!  I try to see the best in everyone but he has nothing going for him.  I hope he doesn't do what he did to my family to another one.  I can only hope he changes his evil and deceitful ways.  But I will not hold my breath.
What goes around comes around.

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

This may sound silly to most of you but it was the first thing that came to mind when I saw this question.  I have had this certain pillow since I was a baby.  This pillow used to go everywhere with me and to this day, I still sleep with it every night. I can't get a good nights sleep if I don't have it.  Don't do it.. don't judge me ;)
Many years ago a good family friend thought it would be funny to hide my pillow in the seat covers in their car.  After a few days, they forgot where they had put it and the joke was no longer funny.  I seriously was heartbroken when it was gone and no where to be found.
This pillow has given me so much comfort throughout my 26 years of having it.  It comforted me through all my time out's as a kid, my parents divorce; it was one of the few items in my room that survived when half my house burned down when I was in high school; it was there with me through my entire grieving process when I lost my mom.... etc.
It definitely looks like it needs a makeover (or maybe even replaced) but neither of those are an option for me.  I'll just continue to sew up the holes, re-stuff it from time to time and wash it on super gentle cycle :)

Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Since my hero hasn't let me down, I am still going to write a letter to my hero so she know's exactly how I feel.

Dear Danica,

In case you didn't already know you are my hero.  I can honestly say that you have never really let me down.  You are an amazing sister, mother, wife, and daughter!  I look up to you like I would mom, if she were still here with us.  As family we have been through a lot of rough patches in life with and without each other but no matter what you have always been there for me and never placed judgement.  

You give me your honest opinion whether I want to hear it- you tell me because I need to hear it.  You have always made me feel comfortable confiding in you.  You have been there to hold my hand at the times I have needed.  You have helped me realize things that I was blinded to.  You pick me up when I am down.  You help me see realistically instead of always my fantasy.  You have helped me realize that no one is perfect and compromise is just another key to relationships.  You have made me feel appreciated when I bend over backwards.  You have been an amazing role model as a mother and a wife.  You have also endured tragedy that no one else will understand and you prevailed.  You have made me feel loved when I felt the opposite.

By definition a hero is a man or woman distinguished by exceptional courage and nobility and strength.  That is my sister.

Day 13: Write a letter to a band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.

Dear Kelly Clarkson,

I don't even know where to begin.... your albums Breakaway and My December were life changers for me.  I went through two really bad break ups when both these albums came out.  I seriously at the time thought to myself "did she write these songs FOR ME!?"  Most of the songs on your albums seem to fit my situation perfectly.  When your first single Breakaway came out, I knew it was a sign.  A sign to breakaway and change me life.  Once I made that change, I heard Since You've Been Gone and that confirmed that the breakaway that took place was a good and positive move I made!  

Aside from the names I have previously mentioned, here is a list of songs and how they hugely impacted me throughout my tough times in life with love, heartache, and relationship:

Because of You (because of you I can't trust or love again)

Addicted (I was so wrapped up into this guy that he was like my drug)

I Hate Myself For Loosing You (I hated myself for months and months because I thought it was my fault that he left)

Never Again (never again will I get back with this guy because he left me for another girl)

My Life Would Suck Without You (I was determined we were going to be together again... yes even after 2 tries and a 4 year relationship)

And that is just to name a few!  

I sincerely want to thank you for helping me through my rough patches and healing my broken heart!  I know this may all sound really silly but most of your songs have given me hope, inspiration, and motivation.  I learned so much about myself through your songs because of how they fit each situation I was in at the time.  Your music is up lifting and help me really get back on me feet!  

Your forever fan,

Kira

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.

I never really seem to get complimented on my clothes/outfits. I know I am a very plain person... I don't like a lot of pattern on my shirts or any crazy color shoes.   My closet is pretty basic... solid colored shirts and solid colored shoes and boots.  I don't have too many "WOW!" accessories either and I usally keep my makeup pretty basic.
Even when I was younger I was pretty much a tomboy (thanks to my sister!)... had the sporty look going on.  Never really cared about my outfits because I was always too concerned with my weight.  I would dress my weight to hide all my insecurities.  Not saying it worked but there was always the attempt.
Now, I like to keep it simple usually.  There have been a few times that I attempt to "spice up" my closet but then I only end up wearing it once or twice and that's about it.  I feel like the neutral colors (black, white, beige/brown) are easier to match therefore I do not have to spend any extra money on trying to match everything if it has an outstanding design.  I've always had the "less is more" mentality when it comes to how I dress.  I have always been around a lot of girls who are constantly complimenting each other's outfits and "oh you look so cute!" and I have just rarely ever been "that" girl.  Even though I do not get compliments on how I dress, it doesn't really bother me.

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Physically, I get a lot of compliments on my hair.  The color, thickness, hair type (that I can leave it wavy, make it curly or straight), and that I don't have to wash it everyday (I was actually told not to wash it everyday), lol.  It has always shocked me that this is what people compliment me on because I have always disliked like my hair (more so when I was growing up).  Now that I know how to do it, I think my hair is "ok" but nothing worth the compliments.  People always tell me they would die to have my hair and I just never really understood why.  I guess probably because its mine and people are usually wanting what they don't have! lol.

One other thing that I get compliments on all the time that is not a physical quality is my name!  I know it's getting more popular these days but when I was in high school and younger, people always seem to love it and its uniqueness when they would hear my name.  Now I know quite a bit of Kira's but I still get the compliments and I agree with them.  I used to hate my name because it wasn't common like Ashley or Tiffany or Jessica.  No one could ever spell it right (they still have a hard to now) and when teachers would pronounce it in class it would sound like a foreign language!  Now I love and appreciate the uniqueness even if people can't spell it or say it! :)

Thanks mom, dad, and the Dark Crystal for my name!